Broken
by oOspuffy4everOo
Summary: Meredith is involved in a car crash... but she doesnt go to Seattle Grace...1stGreys fic so be nice....its gonna be MD, its a sideline fic, goes with the show, & if anything is illogical, sry, thats me...illogical
1. Crash

It was a quiet night at the Seattle Grace Hospital. Most of the nurses had gone home, and the ER doctors were bored out of their minds. Cristina, Bailey, and Burke were sitting in the break room playing cards, along with Alex and Izzy. George, Meredith and the Dr. Shepards had gone home earlier in the day and everything was at a lull. That was until George came busting into the break room.

"George, why are you here?" Izzy asked.

"Its Meredith, she was in a car crash."

"Where is she?" Cristina asked and the room fell quiet.

"They took her to Sacred Heart."

"Why didn't they bring her here? Sacred Heart must be at least a half an hour away." Burke stood up to face George.

"Uhhh…she ummm……she was involved in a head on collision. Its really bad, she was…"

"George! Why isn't she here?" Bailey said/

"She has severe brain damage. The nurse who called said that she asked the EMTs to take her to Sacred Heart. Not Seattle Grace."

"That makes no sense, why would one of our interns be sent to S.H?"

"Shepard." Izzy said, staring at the table with a blank stare. "She didn't want him to operate on her. She must have known how bad it was."

"They are going to run her into surgery any minute now."

"Stevens, Yang, go over to Sacred Heart, make sure you are there when she wakes up. I don't need to have an intern who is bleeding out and has psych problems." Just then a young nurse opened the door to the break room.

"Dr. Bailey, we have a problem."

"What!"

"Your patient in room 147, we were rechecking her cat scans and we found something."

"Don't tell me that that girl has a tumor."

"She needs surgery."

"Karev, call Dr.Shepard, the male half, and tell him to get his ass in here. And mention nothing about Grey, nothing. Stevens, Yang, go!" Bailey put her fingers on the bridge of her nose.

Two Hours LaterSacred Heart HospitalRm227

"What are you saying?" Izzy said, staring at Meredith's body laying on the hospital bed, covered in tubes.

"I'm sorry miss, but our surgeon cannot fix her brain damage. We would need a more experienced doctor."

"Then get one."

"Miss, the we have the finest doctors here, there is only one person that I could think of that could have the slightest chance of fixing her."

"Don't say Derek Shepard. Whatever you do."

"Ma'am, he is the only one left. We need to transfer her immediately if you want your friend to live."

"Cristina…"

"She doesn't get a vote right now, she is unconscious, I say we move her."

"Fine. But I am not going to scrub in on a friend's brain."

"I will call Seattle Grace and tell them we have incoming."

Seattle Grace35 min later

" 25 year old, CCV, transfer from Sacred Heart, needs immediate surgery, heading to prep for operation. Notify Dr. Shepard that he has got one coming in 10 minutes."

Flash to McDreamy in front of the dry erase board as a surgical nurse writes up his next surgery.

_CCV, brain damage, stop internal bleeding_

_Ripped aortic valve, multiple rib fractures_

_Grey, Meredith. 12-3-05 23:05_

_Dr. Preston Burke recovery surgery_

_Dr. Derek Shepard emergency surgery_

He read the second line, then the first, and the second again. _Brain damage _what was he going to do _internal bleeding _he ran into the prep room and washed his hands _ emergency surgery _he walked into the room and looked up and the 4 interns sitting in the viewing box, and the one intern on the operating table. _ Grey, Meredith._


	2. Chaos

Chaos. That was the understatement of the century. And now, the whole Superman thing wasn't his gig. He had operated on thousands of patients, with all sorts of problems, but he was never scared. Not like he was now. This was the type of fear that you got as a kid when your mommy turned the lights off after you snuck out to that horror movie. This was the fear where you just felt like you were drowning and you could do nothing. It was the kind that you would remember forever. But doctors weren't supposed to be scared. They were supposed to be ready, they were supposed to grab the bull by the horns, and save the day in a moment's time. They were supposed to be Superman. And right now, right now Derek Shepard felt like he was the smallest ant in the world, and God was the kid with the magnifying glass.

"Dr. Shepard! Dr. Shepard, you need to stop the bleeding."

He had been standing over the body of Meredith Grey for 1 hour and 47 minutes, and everyone was waiting for him to screw up.

Burke fixed all of her internal injuries, but the brain, that was his job. And that is like comparing a fluffy little bunny to Dracula. The piece of metal lodged into Meredith Grey's skull was like kryptonite to superman. He had to remove it. He had to. If he didn't she would most certainly die. But she wouldn't die. She couldn't. She would be Lois Lane to his Superman, minus the kissing.

"Dr. Shepard, you have to remove it!"

So, this could end in two ways. He could save her, and all would be normal. Or he could slip, and know that because of him Meredith Grey died. The big question was, did he want to be Superman.

And that is when it hit him. He loved her too much to just give up on her. And so he starts to count. Five….if he pulls it out and stops the bleeding fast enough, she might be able to wake up….four….if he doesn't he will have to be the one to call it….three….if she wakes up she will still ignore him…two…she might not….one…

He pulls it out. His hands immediately go to her head to stop the bleeding. But she is loosing too much blood. It just keeps coming in crimson rivers of dread. Everyone stops moving and he can hear the alarms in the background.

"You are not dying on me Meredith."

He starts chest compressions, he tries to ignore the flatline coming from behind him. People are telling him to stop, but he wont give up on her. The bleeding has stopped, but she is still flat lining.

"You are too stubborn to just give up!"

That's when his hope went out the door. But thank God for bouncers. It was faint, but it was there. Her heart. Meredith Grey had been dead for a minute, but he brought her back. He finished cleaning her up and stitched the incision back closed. She would be fine. Give her some morphine, and she'll be fine.

He walks out of surgery, down the hall, and out the doors. He stands behind the old oak tree that looms over the hospital entrance. And that is where it all sinks in. He slides down the tree and sits at the base of it. To complete this somber mood, it was raining, and the brain surgeon was sitting under a tree. His eyes showed no emotion, they were just blank. And one lonely tear traveled down his cheek.

_I like walking in the rain because no one knows I'm crying…_

He can hear someone else open the hospital door. Its Bailey.

"Derek, come on, its raining, get up."

"Did that just happen. She was dead, just for a minute, but I killed her. I killed her then I brought her back." Now Bailey is standing directly in front of him.

"Listen to me. You just saved a girl's life in there. Now you are going to stand up, go get changed and sit in her room until she wakes up."

Shepard awakened out of his reverie.

"You don't know if-"

"She is going to wake up. And believe me she would probably like to see the man who saved her life."

"You mean the guy who ruined it."

"You know what, I hate to say it, but you are right. You did ruin her life, but that was also aided by the fact that she has a mother with Alzheimer's and cancer and that she has no other family left. Now, if I were her, I would like to see someone at my bedside when I would wake up."

So, he stands up, and follows Bailey back inside the hospital. Chaos, understatement of the century.


	3. Confession

Song--Sheryl Crow-I Shall Believe

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_Come to me now  
And lay your hands over me  
Even if it's a lie  
Say it will be alright  
And I shall believe _

He walks into her room, as quiet as he can, secretly hoping that she is asleep. And she is lying there. Hooked up to all of the machines, all of the tubes are running from her body, and she looks helpless. Pale as a ghost it looks as though there is no life left in her, but the steady beep of the monitor tells you that she is still hanging on. You know that she is the one who decides her own fate. For now it solely depends on if she wants to fight, if she has the desire to even come back.

_I'm broken in two  
And I know you're on to me  
That I only come home  
When I'm so all alone   
But I do believe_

So you sit. And you think. Your hand reaches out and wipes the hair out of her face. You thought you had moved on. You thought that you would continue your life with Satan, er, you mean Addison. And for now all you can do is sit there and watch her chest rise and fall in shallow breaths. And you beg her to fight, because she might not think she has something to live for, that the world doesn't need her, but the thing is, the world doesn't need any of us, it is ready for us to leave. The thing is that you need her, you aren't ready for her to go yet.

_That not everything is gonna be the way  
You think it ought to be  
It seems like every time I try to make it right  
It all comes down on me  
Please say honestly you won't give up on me  
And I shall believe  
And I shall believe_

Seven days have passed, and she is still in a coma. You have visited her everyday, but you can bring yourself to sit there for more than a minute. So, knowing that she might not pull out of this, you decide to sit next to her. You look at her face, and at the monitor slowly beating in time with her heart. This is it. You look behind you and make sure no one is there, and you hold her hand and hold it tightly to your chest, and the floodgates open.

_Open the door  
And show me your face tonight  
I know it's true  
No one heals me like you  
And you hold the key_

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. The hospital cant lose you right now, I cant lose you now. This whole experience made me realize something. I tried with Addison. You know I did. But the thing is, I noticed that something was missing from our 'relationship'. When you came into the OR, I swear I was going to just fall apart right there. And I have never felt that scared in my entire life. One time, before the adultery, _She_ was involved in a crash. Not as severe as yours, but I wasn't as scared, that fact remains. She was my wife for heaven's sake, and I wasn't as scared as I was when I saw you laying on that table. It was like the floor was taken out from beneath me, and I couldn't breathe. My hands were shaking, and I had no idea how I was going to pull it off. During the surgery, just for a minute, you died, I mean, I killed you, but I brought you back. Everyone else gave up. I didn't. My father told me a story. A man was flying his plane across a glacier, he soon lost visibility and crashed. It was in the middle of nowhere. He had sent a distress call out, but no one had responded, and there was no way to locate him. An hour later, a plane flying overhead saw the wreck and went to see if there were any survivors. They found that man sitting in the cabin of his plane with his wife's picture in one hand, a pistol in the other, and a bullet hole in his head. The moral of this story is, that you can survive 3 weeks without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes without air, but only 3 seconds without hope. Please don't lose hope. Not right now. Please."

_Never again  
would I turn away from you  
I'm so heavy tonight  
But your love is alright  
And I do believe_

You let go of her hand, and stand up, you walk over to the door and hold the handle. You think of glancing back, taking one last look at her. But you don't, you cant.

You push the handle down and sirens blaze from behind you. Her eyes are wide open and she is trying to breathe around the tube shoved down her trachea. You run over to her and turn off the alarms. She is grabbing at the front of your scrubs and you try and remove the breathing tube. You slide it out of her mouth and she coughs wildly while clinging to your shirt. You automatically wrap your arms around behind her, ignoring the consequences for now. She is crying now but her sobs are drowned out by her coughs. You can only make out a few words.

"…_blood…" _she coughs more

"_So much blood._"

"Shhh….Merideth, calm down, you're in the hospital, no one is going to hurt you, I promise." Her coughs subside and her death grip on the front of your scrubs loosens.

"Can I have some water?" You run over and get her a glass. You hand it to her. Then she looks up, she realizes its you and you can see the waves of thoughts and emotions in her eyes right now. And that is when George, Izzy, Cristina, and Alex burst into the room, affectively separating the both of you, even though you haven't separated your gaze yet. You come to your senses and walk out of the room. You go to the bunk room and lock yourself in. You lean against the door and slide down as you body cant take it anymore. You cry.


	4. Care

Song: Wo Bist Du _(Where are You) _ by Rammstein, I have the English lyrics up in italics next to the original lyrics (that are in German)

000000000000000000000000

Ich liebe dich _I love you_  
Ich liebe dich nicht _I love you not_  
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr _I love you no more_  
Ich liebe dich nicht mehr oder weniger als du _I love you no more or less than you_  
Als du mich geliebt hast _Than you loved me_  
Als du mich noch geliebt hast _When you still loved me_

Meredith POV:

I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck. Which is quite reasonable cause I actually did get hit by a truck. I cant feel my hands that well right now, or my legs, but I can move them slightly. I have officially decided that gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks. I can hear someone walking towards my door. I close my eyes and try to pretend to be asleep.

"Mer, its me. You don't have to be asleep." Its Izzy. I open one of my eyes.

"Why am I here?"

"If you didn't come here you would have died, funny thing, you technically were dead for a minute, but he brought you back."

He. You never could have guessed how much of an impact one teeny tiny word could bring. Its only two letters for heavens sakes.

Die schönen Mädchen sind nicht schön _The pretty girls are not pretty_  
Die warmen Hände sind so kalt _The warm hands are so cold_  
Alle Uhren bleiben stehen _All clocks have stopped_  
Lachen ist nicht mehr gesund und bald _It's no longer healthy to laugh, and soon…_

Speak of the devil. My eyes shut quickly.

"I know, you're asleep." Izzy says as Shepard walks in.

"How is she doing?"

"She's asleep now, but she is doing good. Well, as good as you can be after being run over by a truck."

Don't make me laugh Izzy, remember, I'm asleep. Her pager goes off and she leaves the room. Leaving me and McDreamy alone in the room. But I am asleep, nothing can harm me now….

"We need to talk."

I say nothing.

"I saw you laugh Meredith, there is no getting out of this."

"Do you accept cash bribes?"

"Yes, but you don't have nearly enough money." Both of us laugh.

"So, this is the what happened during surgery talk."

"Yeah." Awkward silence….

Such ich dich hinter dem Licht _I'll look for you behind the light_  
Wo bist du _Where are you_  
So allein will ich nicht sein _I don't want to be so alone_  
Wo bist du _Where are you_

"You died. Serious, flat-line death. And everyone gave up, I thought I did for a second. But I heard your heartbeat a few times on the monitor behind me and I knew that you might have had a chance. So I brought you back. You have been unconscious for the past week but your vitals have improved drastically. You should be able to leave the hospital tomorrow providing there aren't any complications." He takes a deep breath and stands from his chair. He slides my chart back into the front of the bed.

"Get some rest." He walks over to the door.

"Dr. Shepard." He doesn't hear you.

"Derek." He stops at the door with his hand on the handle.

"Thank you." Another awkward silence.

"That's what doctors are for."

Ich suche dich hinter dem Licht_ I look for you behind the light  
_Wo bist du_ Where are you  
_So allein will ich nicht sein_ I don't want to be so alone  
_Wo bist du_ Where are you  
_Ich such dich unter jedem Stein_ I look for you under every stone  
_Wo bist du_ Where are you_


	5. Catalyst

Song is Are You Sure by Willie Nelson.

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Meredith POV

_Oh, look around you _

_Look down the bar from you _

_The lonely faces that you see _

_Are you sure that this is where you want to be_

Beer nuts. My friends are taking shots and I get beer nuts. I cant drink for another week. 247 beer nuts. Yay. Joe's is really deserted right now, no one is here. Besides Izzy, Alex, Cristina, George, and me.

"Hey Mer, you ready to go home, its getting kinda late."

"Izzy, I have been staring at 247 shells of 247 beer nuts I just ate in one hour. I am ready to go."

"Come on George, were going home." I say as I stand up and walk past the bar. I look down at my feet. Haha…feet that's a funny word. Can you get drunk off of beer nuts? Cause I didn't think it was humanly possible but right now…_BAM_

_These are your friends_

_But are they real friends_

_Do they love you the same as me_

_Are you sure that this is where you want to be_

"Ouch." I fall flat on my ass after running into the exact person I did not want to run into. Damn you fate…

"Sorry." He almost goes to help me up, but Izzy rushes over and lifts me to my feet.

"Dr. Shepard." I say as I walk briskly away towards the car. I can tell he is looking at me. I know it. But I am not going to look back, I'm just gonna keep on walking just keep walking just keep…uh oh….the cars are spinning…

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Derek POV

She ran into me and I felt her fall backwards. I was going to help her up, but I couldn't. I just watched her walk away into the parking lot. Oh shit. I see her standing still but her stance is wavering. I start to walk towards her, then when she stumbles I run. I catch her before she loses total balance.

"Why is the sky spinning?" You look into her eyes they are very dilated.

"Someone call an ambulance! Meredith, look at me, you need to stay with me okay, you'll be fine, I promise."

"My head." I take off the ski cap that she has been using to hide the scar from surgery. It hot to the touch.

"I'm really tired."

"No, Meredith, you cant fall asleep, just look at me okay. You have to stay awake. You can sleep when we find out what is wrong. For now just look at me okay, right into my eyes, that's it. Don't look away." This is when I realize that I am sitting in a puddle, and my pants are soaked. I can hear the sirens from the ambulance.

They lift her up onto the stretcher. She is still looking at me.

"Who, is accompanying her."

"Me, I'm her doctor." I say and climb into the ambulance right next to her.

"Go to Seattle Grace." I take out my cell phone and call up Dr. Bailey.

"What do you want Derek-"

"I am with Meredith in an ambulance, we bumped into each other and she fell back, she might have hit her head. I need an OR ready when I get there, shes bleeding out. It's slow, but I need to get her into surgery ASAP if she is going to live."

"I'm on my way."

I hang up the phone with Bailey and turn back to Meredith.

"Meredith, are you still looking at me?"

"I'm a med student, not a pre-schooler, when told to look, I look."

"We are almost at the hospital, just hold on for a bit."

And that is when fear struck. This time, she was scared.

"I'm gonna die, aren't I…"

"If you do, I'll just bring you back, that's my job, right?"

_Don't let my tears persuade you, _

_I had hoped I wouldn't cry _

_But lately, teardrops seem a part of me _

_Oh, look around you, _

_take a good look _

_At all the lonely used-to-be's _

_Are you sure that this is where you want to be_

TBC


	6. Collapse

Derek POVish:

Failure. One word that a doctor never wants to associate with himself. You were there with her till the end. Two minutes away from the hospital she passed out. She was taken into surgery, but you couldn't save -- you couldn't bring her back this time. She was too far gone, and you had to call it.

"Time of death 12:52."

_Sunlight has past  
And the twilight has gone  
Slumber my darling  
The nights coming on_

You remember the last thing you said to her when you were in the ambulance. Her vitals were falling and you knew that this was going to end in going to a funeral, and she knew it to.

"I love you Meredith."

"No you don't, but thanks for saying it." And before you could do anything her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

_Sweet visions attend they sleep  
Fondest dearest to me  
While others their revels keep  
I will watch over thee_

So you sit here in this metal chair. Its been six days since it happened. Six days of tired days and drunken nights. Six days of blaming yourself for the reason why all of you are here right now. You look to your left, and then to your right. They are all crying. All of them. The blonde one walks up and puts a white rose on top of her coffin.

"Meredith was a great friend. She opened her house to me and George when she hardly knew us. We have been through a lot together, a lot more than I wish to have happened. And I will always remember her. Bye Mer."

They go up one by one. Sharing memories and past events as you sit here and cant keep your eyes off of that solid oak casket, leering over a six foot grave. Its your turn now, you have to say something. So, you walk up to her, keeping composure and staying as emotionless as possible. You turn away from the group of mourners and face the wreath of flowers adorning the box.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You cant keep doing this Meredith, you cant just keep leaving me. You were amazing. The hospital wasn't ready for you to go. I'm still not ready to let you go."

_Slumber my darling  
The birds are at rest  
Wandering dews  
By the flowers are caressed  
Slumber my darling  
Ill wrap thee up warm  
Pray that the angels  
Will shield thee from harm_

"I loved you Meredith. So much. I haven't been sleeping lately, Addison left. She didn't want me hanging around the bar as much as I did. In these past few days I have drowned my sorrows, in tequila, in vodka, in whiskey, in anything I could get my hands onto. I started to talk to you. I mean full on conversations. And I know I am probably just another guy talking to his dead girlfriend, but sometimes you answered back. I could hear you. And now I'm scared."

_Slumber my darling  
Til morns blushing ray  
Brings to the world  
The glad tidings of day_

"I know that doctors are supposed to save people. But when everyone is gone, who is there to save us? I know this sounds cheesey, but you saved me. You pulled me away from all of the hatred I had in my life, you made me so much happier. And I couldn't return the favour. I failed. I failed you. And I am so sorry. I just want you to know, that I am gonna miss you. I already miss you. Why'd you leave? Why'd you leave me? I hope you're somewhere better than here. As long as you're happy. I guess that means, this is goodbye."

You take the wooden token out of your pocket. Your aunt gave it to you when you were a kid, right before she died. You run your finger over the angel carved into the front, then you flip it over.

_Death doesn't stop love,_

_It only delays it for a while._

You lay it on top of the wood of her casket and step back. You return to your seat. Everyone is looking at you. There is no doubt in your mind that they heard what you said to her. You stare mindlessly as they lower the casket into the earth, and you say goodbye one last time.

_Thy pillow shall sacred be  
From all outward alarm  
Thou thou art the world to me  
In thy innocent charms  
Slumber my darling  
The birds are at rest  
Wandering dews  
By the flowers are caressed_

She's gone. She's really gone.

_Slumber my darling  
Ill wrap thee up warm  
Pray that the angel  
Will shield thee from harm_

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Song: Slumber My Darling by Yo Yo Ma.

I used some parts of Alias and Buffy, my heavy inspiration…for now….goodbye


	7. Chimera

Btw:I did use quotes from Alias and Buffy, hence the whole "uber inspiration" and "used parts" bit. If you didnt understand that disclaimer, i clarified it here...last thing i want is to try and pass off someone else's work as mine, that is called plagiarism and it is frowned upon in most societies (Depp in Charlie and the chocolate factory)...anyways, before i got sidetracked, I know, Joss Whedon is god and no one can even try to compete with him(I forgot you cant really use sarcasm over the internet…whoops)…I usually write a disclaimer on the first chappy but I forgot on this one so, here art thou standard disclaimer: In my fics I use other TV show things, so if you see any really close resemblance of stuff then, well, it aint mine, its JJ's and Joss', they rock my world, I use songs as well, so if you see any of those, unless they are my songs, kudos to the peeps who wrote them….anyways onto the fic:

Song is The Scientist by Coldplay

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_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry,  
You don't know how lovely you are,  
I had to find you, tell you I need ya,  
And tell you I set you apart,  
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions,  
Oh lets go back to the start,  
Running in circles, coming in tails,  
Heads on a science apart,_

Funerals weren't your thing. They never were. You always felt awkward. Everyone else would be sitting there crying and you would be emotionless. You always stood out. And this time, you stood out for a different reason. You were that guy sitting with everyone, sitting in the same metal chairs, listening to the same eulogy, and watching the same oak casket, mourning the same person. But you were the one who started to cry, and fall apart, but manage to hold it all in. You were the ticking time bomb that everybody knew was about to blow. So now you sit alone.

Everyone has left now. It is just you and a fresh grave. And Bailey is walking towards you. Not that you really want to deal with her at the moment, but oh well, you don't really feel like moving.

"Derek, you need to stop blaming yourself for this."

"Why? I was the doctor on site when she died, I was the one who could have brought her back, but couldn't, I was the one who called her, I was the one who killed her."

"You know that isn't true." You hear sirens in the background. You shut your eyes and hold back tears.

_Nobody said it was easy,  
It's such a shame for us to part,  
Nobody said it was easy,  
No one ever said it would be this hard,  
Oh take me back to the start_

"I killed her."

"Open your eyes Derek."

"Ikilledherikilledherikilledherikilledherikilledher." You whisper over and over again, hoping that if you say it enough her voice will go away."

"I said open your eyes." The alarms are louder.

"Open them."

"I cant believe it, I killed her, oh god I killed her."

"I am going to count to three and your eyes better be open, Derek."

"No…shes not dead, she isn't, she isn't, she isn't."

"One."

_I was just guessing at numbers and figures,  
Pulling the puzzles apart,  
Questions of science, science and progress,  
Do not speak as loud as my heart,  
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,  
Oh and I rush to the start,  
Running in circles, chasing tails,  
Coming back as we are_

"I wont, you cant make me."

"Two." It was Meredith's voice this time.

"You're not here, you're not real. You're dead!" It's the alcohol, that is all it is. Just too much booze. You're going crazy. The sirens feel like they are right in front of you, what in the world is going on.

"One."

You open your eyes. The sirens are still blaring. As your eyes come into focus you can see monitors, you're in the hospital. Not just any hospital, Seattle Grace. You look at the person laying on the bed. And she is looking right back at you.

_Nobody said it was easy,  
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,  
Nobody said it was easy,  
No one ever said it would be so hard,  
I'm going back to the start_

It was a dream.

"You okay?" Her voice is raspy.

"Been better." You smile and your eyes are teary. You hand has found its way to hers and both of you are holding on…hard.

You remember everything. You saved her again. You remember the fall, and the ambulance, and the surgery, and mostly, you remember sitting in this chair when you were finished and saying that you'd be here, even if she didn't wake up. But she did.

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Yay…whoever didn't see that coming, shame on you, I may be stoopid, but not that stoopid, hehehe….ttfn


	8. Choices

Again, if I use Buffy or Alias quotes…_not mine!_

Song is Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

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_I walk a lonely road  
The only one I that have ever known  
Don't know were it goes  
But its home to me and I walk alone_

Everyone has those little things that get them down. Me, I cant stand being helpless. And my… condition right now, sucks. All little girls dream about having a guy to take care of them, but I was not that kid. I was the one who wanted to become a doctor, like my mommy, and surpass everyone, to not have to depend on anyone. And I just figured out that once you get hit by a truck, go under several surgeries, and be technically dead for a total of five minutes, you change the way you view things. Part of me wants to just sit here, and not allow anyone to help me, and wait until I can help myself, but the other half wants to just lay back and wait for someone to help. But, life really is just a bunch of choices, it just depends on which ones you choose to make.

"Good, you're awake."

Snapping out of my reverie

"You need to check my incision."

"It is so easy when your patient is an intern."

I sit up and pull my hair back so that he can check my stitches.

_I walk this empty street  
On the Boulevard of broken dreams  
Where the city sleeps  
And I'm the only one and I walk alone_

"You're looking good, I still need to scrub it though. We don't need you passing out on me again."

Passing out on _you_, you mean passing out on _us_? There it was a again. This look in his eyes. I had seen it twice before. When I woke up after the crash, and on the ambulance heading here. It was deep. I really don't know how to describe it. There was worry, and fear, but something else was lurking behind his façade.

"When I woke up, a few hours ago, what were you thinking about?"

Silence. He threw the gauze in the trash can and put the scrub away, without saying a word.

_My shadows the only one that walks beside me  
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating  
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
Till then I walk alone_

"I mean, you just looked different."

"It was a dream."

"Just a dream? And its got you shaken up like that?" Now he was just staring into space.

"You died."

He stood up and looked at the door, then back at me.

"I'm done here. I will see you later in the day."

He turned and walked out the door, never looking back.

"Huh."

_I'm walking down the line  
That divides me somewhere in my mind  
On the border line of the edge  
And were I walk alone_

Izzy walked by and stuck her head in the door.

"McDreamy done?"

"Yeah, come in."

"What was that all about? He walked out of here pretty quick."

"Nothing." She looked at me.

"It was nothing!" God, she's good at this.

_Read between the lines of what's  
F---ed up and every things all right  
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive  
And I walk alone_

"Fine, it was something, a little teeny tiny non-existent something."

"You wanna vague it up a little more?"

"I don't even know what it was."

"Did he say something?"

"He was acting kinda weird when I woke up. So I asked him what he was thinking about. He blew me off and said it was just a dream, but he had this look that told me otherwise. Then he said, that I died, and he just walked out."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

So, life is full of choices. No sh-t. And I am figuring out that all of those choices, for everyone are hard. Some harder than others. If you can survive making those hard choices, you might be able to make it through life. But, like mommies and daddies always say, we all make mistakes, that's why there is this little something called an eraser, you just have to pray to God that some choices you make aren't written in pen.


	9. Confidant

Dislclaimerageness….same as prior chappies

Song: Closing Time by Semisonic

Btw: the new character's looks are based off of Michael Vartan, just incase anyone needs a visual, and, I don't own the name Michael, I just figured to stick with it cause it worked for him in Alias….

This chapter is kinda a subplot with a major revelation at the end, so stick with it.

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_Closing time - __open __all __the __doors __and __let __you __out __into __the __world__.  
__Closing __time__ - __turn __all __the __lights__ on __over __every __boy __and __every __girl__.  
__Closing __time__ - __one __last __call __for __alcohol__, so __finish __your__ whiskey or __beer__.  
__Closing __time__ - __you __don't __have__ to go __home __but __you __can't __stay __here_

Meredith POV:

There is a reason why I don't get emotionally attached to a lot of things. One of which is people. Yeah, you could find a guy and live a few happy years together, but in the end, both of you are separated. Be it by death or just disappointment. And when you lose that… that thing, you are so torn up inside. Its like you don't even want to live anymore. The lowest a person can get is when someone they love goes away, and you know that there is no chance to get them back. But you will keep on trying. You will destroy every one's lives as you try to get back what you have lost. And if you do end up getting that very thing back, you know you are just going to lose it again, but at that point you don't really care anymore. It feels like you just cleared the Berlin Wall. And right now, I am somewhere between the rabid dogs and the barbed wire fence. So I guess I will just keep all of my fences up around me, and solve my troubles the old communist way, build an enormous frickin' wall.

Tv Set: "And So Concludes this History Channel special on the building and life of the Berlin Wall, tune in next week to lift the Iron Curtain once and for all!"

"Who knew the history channel was so good with subliminal messaging…"

"What?" I have a roommate? Since when? Huh…not so bad looking roommate. Brown hair, green eyes, nice hair.

_I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
Take me home..._

"When did you get here?"

"Nurse wheeled me in a few minutes ago. What are you here for?"

"Complications with a car accident. You?"

"I'm finishing up some new surgeries and kemo, I have had cancer since I was a kid, but mine is advanced, so I volunteered as a guinea pig, might as well, its free and, my life is a lot less important than a five year old's. Name's Michael Bennett, you?"

"Meredith Grey. So what do you do for a living Michael Bennett?"

"Presently, unemployed, for obvious reasons, but I used to own a little coffee shop down the street, my friend is holding the fort for me."

"Ah, I wish I could have done that, must be so relaxing. Do you miss it?"

"More than anything I have ever missed in my life. I walked in there and it was like I didn't have cancer. I forgot about everything while I was there, that's the thing I am gonna miss most. I just wish I could step in there again"

"What? You'll be able to go back there again."

"That wont work with me. I hate to be oblivious to anything, so I asked my doctor how long I had left. About ten minutes ago I was told I have about five days left to live, and I get to spend them in a hospital bed."

"I'm sure he is trying to extend that."

"Sounds like you know my brain surgeon."

"Yeah, I do."

"Okay, avoiding that road."

"Thanks for not prying." Oh, doors opening, and its him.

"Michael, how is it going today?"

"Better, now that you moved me over here, I have better company."

"Are you hitting on my intern Mr. Bennett?"

"Intern? Grey, you lied to the dying man? I am baffled."

"I didn't lie, just avoided the subject."

"Which reminds me Dr. Grey you will be discharged today. Mike, time to get you off the drugs and out of bed for a bit."

"But drugs are my friends." Shepard unhooked his IVs. For a man so close to death, he was having the time of his life.

"Grey, you better be my intern tomorrow."

"I think we can arrange that. Dr. Grey, someone will be in here within the next few minutes to get you ready to go."

"See you tomorrow Grey."

"See you tomorrow Michael."

_Closing time - time for you to go out to the places you will be from.  
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters come.  
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found a friend.  
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.  
Yeah,_

**The Next Day**

It feels good to be back in my scrubs again. And its great to know that my first on rounds is Michael.

"Grey."

"Michael, how is it going today."

"Four. Wow. That's a really small number isn't it."

"They will be the best four days of your life, I can guarantee it."

"Thanks, for not avoiding the statement. Everyone stiffens up when I say that."

"That's because they don't know you. Sit up." I check his heart rate and breathing.

"Touché."

"You look good, I will be out and around today, catching up on things I've missed so, bye."

"See you tomorrow Grey."

"See you tomorrow Michael."

_I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
Take me home..._

**3 Days Left**

"Grey, you're late."

"Sorry Michael, ran into an unexpected thing this morning."

"What?"

"Shepard and Addison."

"Ahh, you don't want to talk about it."

This guy has got three days left, might as well explain it to him. So I told him everything, my first day here, the night before that, Derek's wife, and the current situation I am in.

"Wow. I know this wont make sense, but I've felt like you do now. When I found out that I would see my shop for the last time, I cried my eyes out. That was the one thing that I loved most in this life. So, its like you've lost your coffee shop."

"That makes sense. Thanks, crap! I gotta go… sorry Michael I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow Grey."

"See you tomorrow Michael."

_Closing time - time for you to go out to the places you will be from..._

**2 Days Left**

"Dr Shepard!"

"Yes, Dr. Grey?"

"Your patient, Michael Bennett, room 227, I was wondering, you know how tomorrow is probably his last day, I was just wondering if I could take him back to his shop. He just misses it so much."

"It is entirely against our regulations, you know that Mer- Dr. Grey."

"Okay, I just, nevermind."

"But I have never been a stifler for rules. So, I think I can get you two out the doors. Just be careful, and bring him back as soon as you can."

"Thank you so much"

_I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
Take me home..._

**1 More Day**

"Grey, you didn't show yesterday."

"Quick, get your clothes on!"

"What?"

"Yesterday I spent finding a way to sneak you out of this hospital, just for one day, but I know it will help."

"Thank you so much."

"Come on, lets go." We walked inconspicuously out of the front doors, and drove a few blocks to a familiar street corner.

"She looks just like I left her." We hop out of the car and step into the shop. He inhales deeply and a smile goes on his face.

"He is selling my special."

"What?"

"Tall chocolate caramel latte with a double shot espresso, cant you smell it?"

"No, but I'd sure like to taste it." We sat down at a close table with our coffee. And we talked about random things for an hour or so.

"I have to get you back."

"I know, thanks, I just needed to see her again." I hid the extra coffee I bought in my bag and took him back to the hospital. We got there and he laid down on his bed, but he didn't put his hospital garb back on.

"Well, I have a surprise for you." I pulled out the coffee.

"So she'll be with you forever."

"Thank you." He took a sip of the coffee, then sat it on the bedside table.

"Grey, see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow Michael."

_I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
I know who I want to take me home.  
Take me home..._

**The Next Day**

He passed last night. Michael was a great person, with an even greater message. They found him laying with a smile on his face and the empty coffee cup on the table next to him. He also left me a note.

"Grey- just in case, I'm not here tomorrow, remember, don't give up on the things you love. I didn't and look where it got me. I get to stay with mine forever. And remember this Sunday there is that special on the Iron Curtain. Let your walls down Grey, at least to him. Look where walls got the commies, I'll see you again, be it tomorrow or a long time from now. Till then, see you later. –Michael (The Coffee Guy."

So, as long as my love is still around, I am gonna try and get it back. Cause when you're with the one you love is the only time you can actually rest.

_Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..._

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TBC...sorry about the life lesson chapter...


	10. Comfort

Sorry for the whole lack of updating I have been kinda busy lately with all of my finals…okay, so disclaimer is the same as before…and I am trying to have the tension between Meredith and Derek be the same as the show, so right now they are in that little "friends" mode.

Song: When I'm With You by Simple Plan

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Taking my time  
I'm trying to leave the memories of you behind  
I'm gonna be fine  
As soon as I get your picture right out of my mind

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"You wanna go shopping?"

"Mer, hello, we're in the middle of rounds."

"I know, I just was wondering, 'cause I have a hankering for shoes. And chocolate."

"This might be crazy Izzy talking but, it seems to me that you need a little cheering up."

"I think a little is the understatement of the century. You know, maybe some Tequila will help."

"We get off in approximately 2 hours and 47 minutes, give or take providing no uber issues decide to arise. Including that of my stomach not agreeing with me right now."

"Wait… we are allowed to ask off early if we are over staffed and no appointments, new regulations are quite helpful, so with 5 minutes left of rounds, I vote mall and Joe's."

"Holy crap… we have time off… when does that happen… wow…"

"Izzy, snap out of it, McDreamy is coming."

"Since when have you started calling him McDreamy again."

"Sorry slips out, crap, look busy…"

"So Mr….Haskins, how long have you been having trouble walking?"

"This morning, when I dropped my nail gun." He held up his foot with a nail stick through it.

"I thought you doctors were supposed to be a little more observant."

"Sorry Sir, we will clean that out right quick."

"Dr. Stevens, Grey, one of you is free to go, but I need someone to scrub in with a quick tumor removal, should take but 1 or 2 hours."

"Mer, go home for a bit, I'll meet you at the mall."

"Are you sure?" She leans to my ear and whispers…

"I can tell you don't want to be here, especially near him, you can hide from some people, not me. Go home, take a bath, I'll meet you at the mall as soon as I get out."

I nod and turn back to the guy with the nail in his foot as they walk away.

"What was that about."

"Why do all of my patients try to analyze my personal relationships?"

"Cause its just so fun to see you frustrated." Yank, haha Mr. Arrogant, gauze, scrub, done.

"You are going to stay overnight for observation then you can be discharged in the morning."

"You really got a thing for him don't you."

"Had a thing, past tense, would you stop prodding!"

"Sorry, but its present tense, not past, past is for things that have finished, present is for things that still exist."

"I'm leaving now."

"Denial is a funny thing."

"So is tetanus!"

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I wanna feel the way you make me feel when I'm with you  
I wanna be the only hand, you need to hold on to  
But everytime I call you don't have time  
I guess I'll never get to call you mine

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

I have never noticed how depressing malls can be. I mean, if you look around, no one goes to the mall by themselves. They have friends or kids, boyfriends or girlfriends. Except for me. I am the loser walking around with her coffee.

"Meredith!"

That's it, god hates me.

"Dr. Shepard."

"Izzy got sick, all over pre-op, right after you left, food poisoning, she'll be okay but she told me that you were waiting here."

"And there goes my night of fun."

"Are you insinuating that I am not fun?"

Hey, what is wrong with a guy and a girl just hanging out like friends…

"I was not insinuating anything, Izzy just came with shoes."

"But I come with something far greater than shoes."

"Okay, nothing is greater than shoes."

"Fine, almost greater than shoes."

"What."

"Pool."

"You, play pool, yeah right."

"How do you think I paid off med school?"

"Meh, I thought male prostitution, but…"

"Well yes, but lets keep that between you and me."

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Next chapter…we hit the pool hall…till then adios, au revior, auf wiedersehen, goodbye, etc etc etc


	11. Closer

So…I got into a writing splurge and…heck, decided to write another chapter… yay… well, the song is "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Elton John…and I use the "s" word (gaspcomputer sarcasm), so I hope you kiddies can handle that and be all mature… and oh yeah… main events that go on during Greys also happen in this fic (like the "situation" in last week's eppy and baileys baby etc)…I just need to stress that cause their plot changes mine every once in a while because I don't want it to go too far AU…enjoy!

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_There's a calm surrender  
To the rush of day  
When the heat of the rolling world  
Can be turned away  
An enchanted moment  
And it sees me through  
It's enough for this restless warrior  
Just to be with you_

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You know those moments where you just want to freeze time and take a snapshot? This was one of those times. I was actually having fun. I, Meredith Grey, queen of depression and sucky life, was laughing. What's that about… and who was it that said, "Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action."

"Pool."

"Yes, pool, you wanna break or leave it to the master?"

I break and get 3 balls in right off the bat.

"You've played."

"Never said I didn't." My shot, I miss.

"Well, you don't play that well."

"Hey." He carefully lines up his shot.

"Don't scratch!"

He nicks it and the ball moves about two inches.

"Hey…not cool Grey, not cool at all."

"I wasn't aware that there were rules." I really wasn't….

"Your shot." He had that glare in his eyes… crap, what have I started…he stands right in front of the pocket I am shooting for.

"If you wanna play dirty, I'm gonna win."

"Hey, I'm not gonna be the one complaining after getting neutered by a cue ball."

"But it will be worth it when you lose."

I shoot, and miss, he jumps a little bit.

"Your shot." I go and stand right next to him, the reading over your shoulder behind him type of deal.

"That's so not legal."

"Oh, so now there is a rule book for cheating?"

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_There's a time for everyone  
If they only learn  
That the twisting kaleidoscope  
Moves us all in turn  
There's a rhyme and reason  
To the wild outdoors  
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager  
Beats in time with yours_

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A couple of hours and a couple of games later, it was tied 3-3 and it didn't look like anyone would accept defeat.

"It's 11:00! Crap!"

"What?"

"Work? Ringin' any bells?" We walked out to our cars which were a few spaces apart.

"I am so better at pool than you."

"Whoa, Mer, were you watching the same game you were playing, cause talk about luck." He stepped over to me.

"Luck is a part of the game. That's what separates the winners, me, from the losers, you." I slid my hand to the handle and pulled it. I pulled it again…it was locked.

"Door is locked."

"I figured that out when I pulled it and it didn't open." I searched my purse for my keys.

"Shit…no…no no no no!" I frantically went through my purse as he started to laugh.

"Did you seriously do what I think you did?"

"If you think I danced with pink elephants in tutus, then no, but if you think that I locked my keys in the car, you are absolutely right."

"Wait…let me savour this moment……………okay, done savouring. Do you have a spare set?"

"At the house…shitshitshit. Why are you laughing?"

"Cause you're so cu- funny when you're frustrated."

"I'm freaking out, I never freak out, it's like a Meredith rule." He put his hands on my shoulders.

"Mer breathe."

"Breathe."

"Breathe. You know, I have this thing called a car, that transfers people from point A to point B, in this case, point A being here, and B being your house."

"You wanna vague that up a lil'"

"I…give…you…ride…you…get…"

"Okay, faster."

"keys and we come back and get your car."

"Ah, you have a plan."

"Yes."

"I like plans…okay…lets go get my keys."

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_And can you feel the love tonight?  
It is where we are  
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer  
That we got this far  
And can you feel the love tonight  
How it's laid to rest?  
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds  
Believe the very best_

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It took about 20 minutes for us to retrieve my keys…catastrophe averted… almost. Cause you see, he went to open the door to my car for me, and I did too. And this caused us to get very close in proximity.

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

And…he looked at me…with our look, and I looked back…we kissed… and it wasn't just a kiss, it was everything that had happened in the past few weeks smashed into ten seconds. And it ended. I pulled back a little to see his eyes still closed and a tear going down his cheek. I noticed I was drying too. He brushed a hair out of my face, and I leaned into his touch. We looked at each other, with some sort of understanding, then, I kind of clicked back into things, breathed in real quick, got in my car, drove home, and went upstairs to my bed. I laid down, then looked at my wall. Something caught my eye. My calendar caught my eye. The date… it was February 14th.

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"Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you cant hold back." -?

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TBC


	12. Cry

(UBER LONG CHAPTER, BE HAPPY)As previously said, this is a season 2 story, so if you haven't seen up to the current s2 eppies, I use parts of it, so be careful, the story will be spoilery if you haven't watched, id don't read s2 spoilers so, no worries there. Okay, this past eppy, I am keeping the whole Mark thing there, but the George thing…didn't happen! That was just nasty…eww…the end of that eppy is the beginning of this chapter…okay…. Cool…(PG / PG-13 rating for this chappy, its kind of a mature one so, be prepared) song is Breathe by Anna Nalick (that was BEAUTIFULLY used on the show) 

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2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,  
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,  
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season  
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes  
Like they have any right at all to criticize,  
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

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Time heals all wounds, right? Whoever said that should be shot. Time, it just rips those wounds open further, and drowns them in salt and whiskey. You see, I should know a thing or two about wounds, seeing as how I am a surgeon and all. The thing is, there are different kinds. There are the superficial ones, they might hurt for a few days, and then they go away, no harm done besides a simple inconvenience. There are also the ones that aren't that deep, but they hurt more than you could imagine, and after a few weeks, and a few antibiotics, they are forgotten. Finally, there are the deep ones. The ones that stay with you long after they are healed, they sting, they fester, and bleed anew, they leave the deep protruding scars that you can almost relive the pain every time you see them. Those, they suck. I could probably rival some of the worst scars ever. I just returned from seeing my father after 20 some odd years, I learned that my mother, who has Alzheimer's was a dirty cheating ho, and oh yeah, I am still completely head over heals for my ex, who is married. Not to mention I have become the president and founder of the dirty mistress's club, members including me and Mark Sloan, they guy who cheated with my ex's wife, isn't my life peachy. I have the right to stand alone in my room and look out at the rain. Now George is in my room. He tells me what I know, that he likes me, a lot.

"George, you are probably a great guy, but you don't want me, no matter how much you convince yourself that you do. I believe that you can't be in love with two people at the same time. And I don't know if I will ever get over Derek."

"You really love him don't you."

"Yeah, but, I don't want to lose any friends, so lets not freak out…lets just be friends."

He hugs me.

"I'd like that…I officially am allowed to say that I have gotten the 'just friends' talk."

He smiles and walks out the door.

"Hey Mer."

"Yeah."

"When things look down, look up."

I look up at my ceiling.

"It works a lot better when your outside and the sun is out. Night Mer."

"Night George."

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_'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table  
No one can find the rewind button girl,  
So cradle your head in your hands  
And breathe, just breathe,  
Woah breathe, just breathe_

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"Hello my fellow dirty mistress."

"Dr. Sloan."

"Huh, Dr. Sloan eh, I could have sworn I hear someone say McSteamy when I walked by."

Oh joy.

"Hey, you're lucky not everyone gets a nickname."

"You had to make us rhyme though, didn't you."

"McDreamy. McSteamy, ha! Never noticed. I have to ask you, are you a real asshole or did you love her."

"I am just like you…except I have a penis."

"So, you still love her."

"Yeah. He still loves you."

"Is it sad that we want the same couple to break up? And exactly how long do you plan on staying here in Seattle. You're from New York, you are genetically engineered to hate everywhere except Manhattan." Just like McDreamy.

"You know me well, scarily. You will find out what I am still doing here soon enough, for now, I better go before I get knocked out again."

"What?"

"McDreamy." I look up and see Derek looking at me from across the hall, then you see Bailey walking toward you with the rest of the interns and her baby.

"Grey, come on. Okay interns, this is the week where we find out what you all should do. This is specialty week. Even though I am technically still on maternity leave, MY interns scared all of the other residents away. So, I'm back. And I got your assignments. Each one of you will get a resident, and you will spend the week with them. So, here we go. Stevens, you're with Dr. Montgomery-Shepard. Karev, you're with the visiting Dr. Sloan, George, you're with Burke, Grey and Yang, you're with Shepard. Have fun, don't break anything, or anyone, I am going home, and if I get paged even once, you will be cleaning bedpans and doing rectal exams for a week. Understand? Then go."

"So, you and I, neurosurgery." Cristina, she is smiling.

"We can't even get our minds straight, much less other peoples."

"Just think of it as a way of learning, more."

"We are gonna have soooo much fun." She puts her arm over my shoulder and laughs. Shepard comes over.

"Grey, Yang, we have a surgery in about fifteen minutes, aneurysm, we need to get in there as soon as possible, OR 3."

About two minutes later, I am in surgery prep standing next to Shepard, washing my hands.

"Mer, you okay?"

"What? Oh yeah."

"You sure, you look a little tense."

"This is the room, four days ago I was standing right there with my hand on a bomb. You never know what it is like, to think you are about to die until it happens. It just, you see things, you notice things, that you never think about until then. The other day, I was with a patient. He actually made hate tapes to all of the people who ever hurt him. That's why I went to see my dad last night. Now, I only have one tape left to make... Sorry, I just—"

"It's okay. Lets go be heroes."

"Yeah." He looked at me and I walked into the OR before it would happen again.

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_May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss  
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,  
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.  
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,  
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,  
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

After about two hours standing over the operating table, we fixed the guy all up, and he went to recover with his wife. I am laying on the top bunk of the bed in the break room. McDreamy walks in, looking beat. He lies down on the bottom bunk.

"Hey."

"Hey. Long surgery."

"I've been in longer ones." I roll on my side and feel something funny on my arm…kinda sticky…oh god. I jump up off the mattress.

"OH GOD! EWWW AHHHH EWWW!" I jumped off the bed and McDreamy is looking at me funny.

"Are you okay?" He is laughing a little.

"Please tell me that isn't what I think it is." I show him the back of my arm, that I cant see. He is laughing even harder.

"You…you've got cu—"

"Don't say it!" I run to the bathroom. I get to the sink and start scrubbing my arm. Mc Dreamy is standing next to me.

"You think its funny, don't you."

"Here, let me." He walks over and wipes the rag on my arm.

"Someone was having a little too much fun at work."

"Okay, Derek, not helping me get my mind off of that!"

"By the way you have some on your back." I take my scrub shirt off, making sure I don't take the black camisole I am wearing under it with it. I look on the back, it is covered in you know what.

"My god! What in the world!" I run to the shower and turn it on burning hot, I step under, still with my cami and pants on.

"You're over-reacting a little."

"I…am covered in ----"

"Someone didn't wear a rubber."

"Seriously, I mean seriously! Are you just trying to make me feel yuckier."

"What can I say, it's fun." I step out from underneath the shower and grab my scrub shirt and rub it on him.

"That was un-called for."

"There is a difference between un-called for and necessary." He takes his shirt off and looks at it.

"You know, for you it would just look like you got lucky, for me, it just looks wrong." Holy crap, we're flirting. I go over to my locker and grab a new pair of scrubs. So does he. I dry my hair and we both walk out, laughing, another permanent scar. And just when you think it couldn't get any worse, Alex and Izzy went into the break room.

"Let's never speak of that again."

"Agreed." We smiled at each other.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,  
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.  
No one can find the rewind button boys,  
So cradle your head in your hands,  
And breathe, just breathe,  
Woah breathe, just breathe _

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout  
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out  
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again  
If you only try turning around.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

This afternoon, was like crap. The scars were ripped open again. I tasted what I was missing. So me, being depressing decides to go and sit outside while it's raining. Now I am soaked.

"Having fun?" Derek is standing next to me and sits down. He folds up his umbrella and lets the rain engulf him.

"Its been a hard life."

"I know what you mean."

"Actually, no offense, you don't."

"Wha--"

"Did you love me." I start crying.

"I think you know the answer to that."

"I don't, I really really don't."

"Yes." It is quiet for a bit.

"Okay, here is my last tape. It is hard as hell to sit here, plaster a fake smile on my face and pretend everything is fine, when it isn't. I still love you. I don't know if that will ever change, and I wish…I wish it would. I wish I could just forget and move on but I CANT. I wish I could hate you, I wish that I never knew you. That I NEVER knew how it felt to be with you. I wish that I could ACCEPT…that you and I are done, but I don't know how. I love you so much and it wont stop. Make me hate you please, please, make it go away…" By now I am sitting in the mud bawling.

"Mer." He leans down, and kneels in the mud and brings me into his embrace. And he just sits there as I cry.

"Shhh…just let it out."

(Okay think of this as camera like) picture zooms out and goes toward the building. You see Addison standing there, Mark is behind her a little, she doesn't know he is there…they heard the whole thing.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song  
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer  
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to  
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd  
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud  
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

TBC… "I like walking in the rain because no one knows I'm crying."


	13. Conversation

This chapter is directly after the last one. song is Delicate by Damien Rice…..btw:the "plan" was nothing more than the driving thingy…Thank you to all of my reviewers, you rock my metaphorical socks! Anything in parenthesis is like visualizations of how the scene would play out if it was on camera, cause in tv there are sections with no words that can speak the most to a person…cinematography folks, I am trying to write it on paper, if you like it, tell me, if you don't review and TELL ME, if most people don't like it, I will stop it…I just need feedback on these thingies. May be a little OOC, but I didn't know how to work these scenes.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_We might kiss when we are alone  
When nobody's watching  
We might take it home  
We might make out when nobody's there  
It's not that we're scared  
It's just that it's delicate_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

(Meredith is in that black cami and a white over-shirt and a simple pair of jeans, Derek has the hot red shirt on, nothing underneath and a pair of baggyish jeans…During this part the VO speech, camera going down halls of hospital, then flashes to a birds-eye view of Meredith & McDreamy on the ground, in the rain, you can see her breathing heavily, he kisses her forehead)

There is always that metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. The eye of the storm, the summit of the frickin mountain. I've found out that it is a LOT harder than it seems. So many success stories that you hear of, and so many more failures. The only thing that people want to hear about these days is the angst, the broken dreams and crushed hopes. I am done with the angst. I just want to be done with this whole movie type-life. I quit. My light at the end of the tunnel, it turned out to be a bloody train. And now I'm falling to pieces in front of the one person that I love the most.

"Breathe Meredith…just…" he sighs on my shoulder, which makes me shiver. "…breathe" I'm still breathing hard.

"Meredith, we need to get you inside."

"Not--- not right now, just…give me a minute, just stay like this for a minute."

0 0 0 0 0 0 Addison/Marc 0 0 0 0 0 0

"Addison."

"He…he really loves her…"

"Addison, you need to come inside…"

"No, I need to go home."

"Addy, just remember, if there is any way, any chance that I can get you back… I need to know, otherwise I will just fly back to New York. Tell me, you don't love me, and I will go back, you never have to hear of me again, I'll disappear."

"I… I need time… I need to figure things out."

"At least let me give you a ride." She looks at him…then looks back at Derek and Meredith…

"Okay." They head back inside the fairly empty hospital towards the back parking lot.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've know  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

"Meredith…come on, I'll give you a ride home." I did not feel like moving, even after he stood up.

"Come on, you don't stand up I'll pick you up…wait, was that, I think I saw a smile…"

I couldn't help but laugh a little. Then he kneeled down and picked me up, slinging me over his shoulder. I let out a small squeak. He walked to his car, opened the door and put me in the passenger's seat. He went on the other side and sat down.

"You're wet." He looks at his hair as a drop of water falls from it.

"Incase you haven't noticed, it is raining." He starts his car and the Sex Pistols are immediately pumping from the speakers, which he turns the volume down.

"Hey, who said you could turn that off? And what happened to the Clash."

"If you don't like the Sex Pistols, you should be shunned from earth."

"That is a good policy."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_We might live like never before  
When there's nothing to give  
Well how can we ask for more  
We might make love in some sacred place  
The look on your face is delicate_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

We get to my house and it is raining outside, still. It's not the windy rain, but the big rain that gets you soaked in a second. We pull into my driveway, Izzy and George must be over at Joe's. I look at Derek, smile, then look outside.

"What are you thinking?"

"You know how when you were kids and your mom would let you go outside and dance in the rain? I miss feeling like that, feeling free." I open the door and stand outside. I can hear a muffled Are you nuts! From inside. I look up and let the rain shower me. I slide the shirt off of my shoulders and hold my hands up in the air(she is still wearing a cami). I look over at Derek in the car he is shaking his head.

"You're insane, you do realize that?" I walk around and open the door on his side.

"Friends don't let friends be boring!"

"When I get the flu its your fault." I pull him out of the door to stand in front of me.

"Here, stand like this." I put my over-shirt on the trunk and hold his hands up like I was.

"Now look up." I look up, I can feel him looking at me. I look at him and then lean down and take off my shoes and socks and sit them with my shirt.

"What are you doing?"

"What?"

"You have that look…"

"What look?"

"That look you get...you're up to something." I laugh, then run over to the sidewalk leading up to my house, which is a big puddle. I jumped in it, then just looked up at Derek and smiled. Derek looked at me and smiled then walked over to me and jumped right in front of me.

"Look what being your friend has reduced me to." He says with a laugh.

"You mean you are actually feeling like a kid?"

"I am dancing in the rain and jumping in puddles, and enjoying it." After another ten or so minutes running around in my front yard I invited him in to the house, we were soaked. We set our shoes next to the fire and I walked into the kitchen, grabbing a pint of ice cream out of the freezer and grabbed a spoon. And for my benefit a bottle of tequila.

"You, Derek Shepard, need to live a little more." I took a spoonful of ice cream and he took the spoon from me. I took a sip of tequila.

"There is this thing about being a doctor…you don't have a life." We sat down in front of the fireplace and took turns taking a sip of tequila and a spoonful of ice cream.

"Okay…so, while we are hyped up on ice cream and adrenaline,"

"And a little tipsy."

"Hey, I swear to drunk I'm not God, wait…"

"As you were saying…"

"Fine, and a little drunk, we need to have a conversation. That we can ignore later on."

"Ah one of those conversations. Brutally honest."

"Yep, here, I'll ask you a question, you ask me a question."

"Okay, you first."

"The night when you met me, what was the first thing you thought? Be honest."

"First thing I thought. You were beautiful, that's all I remember. My question, how long when I was asking you to go out with me did you know that you would eventually say yes?"

"After my surgery with Burke, when I was sitting in the hallway and you asked if I got to hold the heart. My question…extremely blunt, how was the sex?" he almost spat the ice cream out.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Good."

"Good? Just good."

"Meredith, 5 hours straight, I didn't know that was physically possible, the sex was amazing, don't worry, should I?"

"You've got nothing to worry about."

"My question, what was going through your head when you pulled the bomb out of that guy's chest?" I took a scoop of ice cream. Then looked at him, and he knew what I was thinking.

"Do you love me?" He looked at me and smiled.

"See you tomorrow Dr. Grey." We stood up. I walked him to the door.

"Dr. Shepard." I shut the door then slid down the back of it. That just made everything so much clearer, and that much harder.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've know  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

TBC


	14. Cover

Same disclaimer as before so, yeah… the song is Paperbag by Anna Nalick… this chap is strongish, and FOUL LANGUAGE IS USED! so be careful….it's a lil depressing, why? Because I can. Quote from Alias is used. Btw: fluoxetine is Prozac

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

Meredith was walking through the halls of the hospital on her way home. It had been twenty eight hours since she had set foot in her house, and she was tired. Hardly anyone was at the hospital. She walked to the elevator and hit the lobby button. Just as she began to walk out of the elevator she slammed into Derek Shepard, and the contents of her purse went everywhere.

"Sorry."

"No, its my fault."

"No, really." Meredith tried to get everything back into her purse, then she noticed the small orange bottle rolling a couple feet from her, right near Derek's foot.

"Oh, here."

He picked the vial up and stared at it. Meredith tried to take it out of his hand.

"What—"

"Good night Dr. Shepard." She finished putting the contents of her purse back in and was about to stand up when he put his hand on her arm.

"Why are you taking fluoxetine? That's an SSRI."

"I know what it is, now give me back my pills."

And the night was complete when Shepard found her happy pills.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_She don't run from the sun no more  
She boxed her shadow and she won  
Said I can see you laugh  
Through these bottle caps  
And this wire around my neck aint  
There for fun_

But someday we'll all be old  
And I'll be so damn beautiful

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

Meredith is sitting by the counter in the kitchen and Izzy is icing cupcakes…

"You're cooking, and cleaning. Izzy, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Izzy, its fifty…one two three four, cupcakes, fifty four cupcakes, chocolate no less."

"It's just, never mind."

"Okay, chocolate and a clean kitchen, its like Chernobyl, but in Martha Stewart land."

"Its Alex."

"Ooohh… good or bad."

"Bad, I mean good, I mean, I don't know."

"Well, you know how good my love life has been lately, so, spill."

"Its, uhh, I don't know how to…well…"

"Oh my god! YOU LO—"

"DON'T! Do not say it!"

"This is rich, I mean… too rich."

Izzy and Meredith get into an all out cupcake fight (sounds like something id do) The doorbell rings and Meredith goes to answer it. She opens the door and her laughing smile fades away, you then see outside the door to Addison and Derek standing in the rain. Flip back to Meredith as a cupcake slams into the side of her face.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_Meanwhile I'll hide my head  
Here in this paper bag  
Cause if I cant see you  
Then you can't see me  
And it'll be okay  
Fly little bee away  
To where theres no more rain  
And I can be me  
_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

"Hi, we were on our way home and our car broke down a few blocks from your house, can we use your phone?"

"Yeah, one second." Meredith takes the cupcake off the side of her face and goes to get the phone.

"Mer, who is it?"

"The Shepards."

"Here." Meredith hands Addison the phone. Izzy walks up behind Meredith as Addison calls a lift.

"I'm sorry, excuse me." Meredith sniffs a little and walks up the stairs.

"Here." Addison hands Izzy the phone and heads back to the car, Derek opens his mouth to start talking but Izzy cuts him off.

"No…"

"Can I talk to her."

"You can't come in our house, not now not ever."

"Sorry." He turns to leave.

"You know, you're a jackass."

"Excuse me?"

"You act like everything is normal, like it is all how it is supposed to be. You can't see anything can you. You are blinded by stupidity. Being friends, it's killing her, and you are too selfish to notice it…You cant have your cake and eat it too. You've got to pick, Addison or Meredith. You've just got to stop being her friend. You get so close to her, and you…you just make it worse. Just, just…if you care about Meredith as much as you claim to, then push her away. Be cruel if you have to – make her despise you. Because your 'kindness' tortures her, I can see it. What it does to her. And I wont have it." Izzy slams the door in his face.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_Yeah they talk about her  
She smiles like shes so tough  
She says  
"hey can you talk a little louder,  
I don't think my heart is broken enough"_

But someday we'll all be old  
And I'll be so damn beautiful

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

"Meredith, you need to come out of the bathroom."

"I don't need to do anything!"

"Come on, I'll take you to Joe's my treat." Meredith opens the door and sticks her head out.

"Can we get me drunk enough to forget tonight?"

"GEORGE! Wake up!"

"What?"

"We need a driver."

"Why?"

"Meredith and I need to get drunk off our asses, and you need to be the designated driver."

"Let me get dressed."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_Meanwhile I'll hide my head  
Here in this paper bag  
Cause if I can't see you  
Then you can't see me  
And it'll be okay  
Fly little bee away  
To where theres no more rain  
And I can be me  
_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

JOES:

Meredith, Izzy and George are sitting at the bar, George is drinking coke….Izzy and Meredith are stone drunk and playing with beer nuts.

"Boys suck."

"Boy, sitting right here."

"Shut up George." Izzy and Meredith say at the same time.

"Love, it is the worst four letter word ever. Its kinda like cancer. When you find out about it, you're lost, it's like you're at a fork in the road and you don't know were to go. You can choose one way and treat it, but leave it shoved in that dark little corner, or you can just let it overcome you, and jump in head first, forgetting about the consequences, and go for it. Then it goes away, like everything does with time, but then it comes back, it bleeds and festers anew, and you are left broken… shattered… and left to die… but by then, you really don't care anymore. You just want to give up, you just wanna die." A lone tear travels down her cheek.

"If you ever decide you don't want to be a surgeon, become a writer." Meredith's phone rings.

"Hello? Yes…yes…y-- What? Oh- Okay…I'll be there tomorrow, no, I cant come tonight, tomorrow."

"What was that?"

"My mother's cancer is progressing faster than they thought it would. Odds are she wont live to see Christmas."

"Mer—"

"Don't, don't say your sorry, you didn't give my mother cancer…I'm walking home." Meredith stood up from the bar and walked out the door. George was about to get up when Izzy stopped him.

"Let her go George."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_Some days I wait in the indigo  
Singing that song on the radio  
I blame these puddles on the rain  
You know I gotta keep these cheeks dry today  
Gotta keep my cheating strategy  
And baby I'm gonna have it made._

But someday we'll all be old  
And I'll be so damn beautiful

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

this is a scene with no words, so I am just going to descibe

Its raining heavily. Camera rolls around the streets of Seattle, then comes up to a bridge with Meredith standing on it. She has a bottle in her hand and she is crying, looking down at the street below the bridge. She screams and throws the bottle down to the empty street as it crashes into a thousand tiny pieces. She looks up to the sky.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT! I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS!" She punches the cement and her hand starts to bleed and she looks at it and laughs hysterically.

"That's great, just great." She slides over the fence and stands on the edge of the bridge with the tips of her feet hanging over the side. Camera looks at her face, crying, you see a blurry car pull up behind her and someone steps out.

"Meredith? Mer, what are you doing." Him.

"And I'll write your name on the bullet so you'd know you were the last thing that went through my mind."

"Don't…" Derek steps within five feet of her.

"Take another step, and I'll take one too." Derek takes a couple steps to the right, then one over the fence. He scoots next to Meredith.

"Meredith."

"No."

"Fine, we can just stand here."

Five minutes later the rain stopped but everything was still soaked. Derek went back onto the right side of the bridge and held out his hand for Meredith from behind her. She took it and her lifted her over the barrier. She crumpled her ands against her chest and collapsed into him.

"Meredith…shhhhh…shhh, I got you, calm down."

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

_Meanwhile I'll hide my head  
Here in this paper bag  
Cause if I can't see you  
Then you can't see me  
And it'll be okay  
Fly little bee away  
To where there's no more rain  
And I can be me_

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 

to be continued…


	15. Calm

Sorry for the lack of updating, these past few months have been beyond hectic for me and my attention span is just about as short as th—hey look a butterfly! (jkjk) but yeah, so here is the chapter you have all been waiting for(hopefully) disclaimer is same as always, the song is _Tomorrow_ by Avril Lavigne… Oh yeah, this is still a sidelines fic, so im picking up after the events of the season finale.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_And I wanna believe you,  
When you tell me that it'll be ok,  
Ya I try to believe you,  
But I don't  
When you say that it's gonna be,  
It always turns out to be a different way,  
I try to believe you,  
Not today, today, today, today, today..._

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Everyone has those moments in life where you are left in the dark by your own mind. It sucks. Usually, you know exactly what you should do. Usually the two little people on your shoulders end up agreeing, either that or the little angel loses and you're screwed. The latter usually happens to me. But now, its like deciding over, screw it, I'm out of metaphors, I have to choose between the man I love more than anything, or the man I could end up loving more than anything, the one that offers stability or the one that broke my heart.

"Meredith." Snapped out of my reverie… I don't know what to do… I hear the door opening behind me and see Alex carrying Izzy out the door.

"I…should go check on Izzy." Crap, I am going to have to face these repercussions later. I run after them. Alex slid her into the back of my car when I opened the door for him. We drove back to the house in silence, everyone was there for some reason. Izzy was just sitting on the couch next to Alex, George, Callie, Christina and I were standing around the room.

"Iz, lets go upstairs, okay?"

"No, I don't want to go to sleep yet, can we just sit here, and watch a movie or something?"

"Sure, whatever you want." I put a movie in the TV, making sure it wasn't a romantic movie. Which is horrible seeing as how I am the queen of chick flicks. I walked out of the living room to go get chips and chocolate when Callie followed me back. She just stood there looking at me.

"What happened…"

"It wasn't his fault."

"Whose was it?"

"Both of us…he actually wanted to talk after it happened, he kept asking me what it meant that…that happened. I was the one who walked away."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"Actually, I don't know. Right now I have bigger things to worry about." I picked up the bag of chips and headed back to the living room.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_I don't know how to feel,  
tomorrow, tomorrow,  
I don't know what to say,  
tomorrow, tomorrow  
Is a different day  
It's always been up to you,  
It's turning around,  
It's up to me,  
I'm gonna do what I have to do,  
just do _

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

That morning was hell. Alex called into work opting to stay back and watch after Izzy. And I had to be at work for pre-rounds. Bailey had us all gathered by the main stairwell.

"I know that this week has been hectic, and it is gonna stay like that. We are two interns down, so everyone is going to have to put in a little extra effort to attempt to make this week go smoothly. And, I am gonna need one of you to pull a 48 hour shift, one of the other interns called out sick this morning and we need the extra hands in surgery."

"I'll do it." I found myself saying. For why, I have no clue.

"Thanks Grey. Everyone, lets get going." We all went our separate ways. I had a couple of rounds to do on the first floor then I had to go upstairs. My first patient was an elderly man who was brought here for chemo treatment on his kidneys. He had acute kidney failure and his liver was growing weaker.

"Good morning Mr. Goodwin, I'm Dr. Grey, are you feeling good today?"

"Ah yes, the 80 year old with failing kidneys has a high-quality outlook on life today." He said with a laugh. "Call me Silas, this old grouch cant take too much more falsified propriety. Sorry, I can be quite rude in the mornings."

"So can I."

"I just never wanted to go in a hospital bed, I always thought I'd go down swinging if you'd know what I mean."

"You sound like my mother. Okay Mr. Goodwin, you are good to go."

"You should smile more, a beautiful girl like you shouldn't waste her life in tears. Believe me, take chances to make yourself happy, it is worth it." I smiled as I headed towards the elevator. Why is it that all of my terminally ill patients end up with the wisdom of a thousand men? I stepped into the elevator and just before the doors closed, someone slipped in. I looked over from the files I was holding, and saw him. I quickly diverted my attention back down to my folders, pretending to be paying attention. He pulled the emergency stop on the elevator, but did not face me.

"I don't expect you to say anything, you don't have to, just hear me out." I kept my eyes on the folders in my hands.

"For all the logic in the world, you should be with Finn. He hasn't hurt you, or given any indication that he would. He has been loyal, and never lied to you. He has plans." He pushed the emergency stop back in and the elevator began to move again. He put a wrinkled photo, facedown, on top of the folders, and then walked out the elevator. The doors closed and I flipped the photo over. It was a picture he took of the two of us, on a ferryboat, smiling, and kissing in the rain. I slipped the photo in my pocket as the lift stopped and wiped the stray tear out of my eye. I stepped out the doors, and suppressed another memory.

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

_Gimme a lil time,  
Leave me alone a little while,  
Maybe it's not too late,  
not today, today, today, today, today..._

I don't know how to feel,  
tomorrow, tomorrow,  
I don't know what to say,  
tomorrow, tomorrow  
Is a different day  
And I know I'm not ready,  
Maybe tomorrow 

And I wanna believe you,  
When you tell me that it'll be ok,  
Ya I try to believe you,  
Not today, today, today, today, today...

0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

TBC


	16. Chosen

Okay, just in prior warning, this fic is headed toward angst town, I know, im a sick freak. But hey, I love angst, 'cause if something isn't there, it cant end :) yeah, so the song is "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. Go grab the tissues.

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_Hey there Delilah  
What's it like in New York city  
I'm a thousand miles away  
but girl tonight you look so pretty  
Yes you do  
Time square can't shine as bright as you  
I swear it's true_

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Meredith POV:

I never really liked breakups…they were always a point in my life when I knew that things couldn't get any better, but again, in my mind things couldn't get any worse, but the rain would start. Every time I have ever ended a relationship, the skies would drench the city in their tears and laugh as we ran for cover. This morning, we reached a record amount of rainfall. The rain wasn't even consistent. Sometimes it would be accompanied by stinging winds, other times it would come down in big drops, while other times it would just feel like you were in your shower. That is how it was now. I stepped out of my car at the hospital and was immediately drenched. I looked up and saw Derek, he looked… well, different, and something was off about him. He turned to look at me, I knew he wanted to talk. I walked up to him and stopped, looking down at my shoes.

"You chose him, didn't you."

"I'm sorry, I just—"

"No, Meredith, you don't need to explain yourself."

"But… I want to."

"Just, don't, please." His eyes were red, and even though the rain was beating down on the both of us, I could tell he was crying.

"One thing, before we go our separate ways."

"What?" He leaned in and kissed me, very gently, then backed away.

"Just in case I get trapped in an OR with a bomb. Need something to think about." I let out a small laugh and watched as he walked away.

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_Hey there Delilah  
Don't you worry about the distance  
I'm right there if you get lonely  
Give this song another listen  
Close your eyes  
Listen to my voice it's my disguise  
I'm by your side_

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Cristina POV:

Rounds were over when I turned and saw Dr. McDreamy in the Chief's office. This intrigued me beyond belief. He handed the chief a couple papers. Then he took his scrubs out of a bag, and laid them on the desk, shortly followed by his white doctor's jacket, all neatly folded. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out his pager, along with his hospital id. They shook hands and Shepard left the office. I walked over to him before he left the building.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing that concerns you."

"Does it concern Meredith?"

"No, nothing I do concerns her either."

"Where are you going?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. Inside it there was one ticket, a one way to Paris.

"Addison has one to New York."

"So, what you're just gonna up and leave Seattle? For how long."

"Permanently. I was offered a job in Lucerne, with a consultation in Paris."

"Is that gonna be your life? Spending the night on a train? Never living in one place?"

"I purchased a flat in Paris, and a house in Lucerne, the shifts are in necessity, not set in stone, I go when and where I am needed."

"Sounds like fun." I said, dripping in sarcasm.

"Its my life, I'll do whatever the hell I want to do with it."

"And you haven't told Meredith any of this."

"I am not obligated to tell her anything, and don't you dare let her throw her life away if she wants to find me. Keep her here. I don't want her knowing that I am gone till I am half way over the Atlantic."

"I guess you don't want her to know where you are going either."

"You and the chief are the only two that even know I am leaving. Don't tell her, say nothing. You don't want to get wrapped up in this. Here." He takes out a piece of paper and scribbles something down.

"This is my address in Paris, and this is mine in Lucerne. I will be mainly at this address." He pointed to the one in Lucerne. "Mail me about how Burke is doing. He should be well to take over as chief when Dr. Webber is done."

"Don't worry sir, I will keep you in the loop."

"Dr. Yang, I am no longer your superior, its Derek."

"See you in another lifetime Dr. McDreamy."

"I knew you were the one that made that up." I laughed and watched him walk out the door. The man was a lot more down to earth that I ever realized. He is going to be missed here.

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_Hey there Delilah  
I know times are getting hard  
But just believe me girl  
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar  
We'll have it good  
We'll have the life we knew we would  
My word is good_

_Hey there Delilah  
I've got so much left to say  
If every simple song I wrote to you  
Would take your breath away  
I'd write it all  
Even more in love with me you'd fall  
We'd have it all_

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Meredith POV:

I followed the rest of the interns into a room where a young boy was being held. He was busy playing a game to realize we were even there.

"Grey?" Dr. Bailey said.

"Oh, sorry, uhh, this is Folden May, he was admitted yesterday, with a complaint of severe headaches, he has also had 3 seizures in the past year and has been on antiepileptic drugs for the past few months. The MRI showed a small mass in his brain along his midline."

"Okay, I need somebody to call up Mercy West, bring in a neuro consult, we have to find out what our options are."

"Dr. Bailey?"

"Yes Dr. Grey?"

"Why don't you just call Shepard down, isn't this his case?"

"As of this morning, Dr. Shepard is no longer employed at Seattle Grace Hospital. Our replacement should be here within the week, but until then, all neuro cases need to be referred to Dr. Jacobs at Mercy West."

As the rain fell down that windowsill, and another heart stood breaking still.

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_A thousand miles seems pretty far  
But they've got planes and trains and cars  
I'd walk to you if I had no other way  
Our friends would all make fun of us  
and we'll just laugh along because we know  
That none of them have felt this way  
Delilah I can promise you  
That by the time we get through  
The world will never ever be the same  
And you're to blame_

Hey there Delilah  
You be good and don't you miss me  
Two more years and you'll be done with school  
And I'll be making history like I do  
You know it's all because of you  
We can do whatever we want to  
Hey there Delilah here's to you  
This ones for you

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TBC


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